My Long Distance Relationship; 4years, 3000 miles Apart & making it to Matrimony !

Most people believe that attempting a long-distance relationship is crazy—delusional, even. And they have a point. Relationships are hard enough without dealing with expensive plane tickets, internet bills or time differences. And yet, so many of us end up doing the long-distance thing, for the simple reason that, love is not always logical. When you are in love, the feeling is so rare and urgent that severing it due to inconvenient circumstances seems totally insane, even more insane than dating someone who lives 4,000 miles from you.

I met my husband (then boyfriend) Godwin in March 2014, while he was spending a couple of months in Nigeria before going back to the U.K. to commence his PhD program. What I assumed would be a fleeting hookup turned into the best period of my life – think Fancy dates, trips, mind blowing gifts – a week after we met, he told me he was going to marry me someday, I laughed it off! When it was finally time for him to leave, we said our goodbyes at the airport, I was hyperventilating like an addict forced to go off crack. As soon as he got to the U.K. we began to work towards possible ways to see again… it’s crazy! When we decided to try to make things work long-distance, the choice certainly did not feel logical. It felt more like holding on for dear life!

Relationships, especially when they are new, have the ability to make us feel and act embarrassing nearly 24/7. But the intense longing that comes with being long-distance can spawn some particularly undignified behaviors, and I’ve learned that if you want to survive, you just have to embrace this part of yourself. For instance, the first few days without him I find that I can not sleep without his clothing items that have hints of his cologne on it, I use to view pictures and videos over and over like a groupie, I would also go days/weeks without doing my hair or shaving, there was really no point getting “dolled up” if you’re eventually going to retire to an empty bed alone.

These little things kept me going, coupled with the thrills when we get to see each other after a long time. There were times when the distance was daunting, and don’t get me wrong, long distance relationships just like every other type has it’s unique ups and downs, how you deal with them depends on how great your communication skills as a couple is, (because that’s all you have) in essence there are no hard and fast rules whatsoever, and also that the significance of Trust & Communication in long distance relationships particularly can not be over emphasized

Today we’re married, after dating long distance for 4years (OMG). The key was we always had something on the books, like, ‘We’ll be together for your birthday’ or, ‘Next time you’re home we’ll meet our parents’, or ‘We’ll be together at Christmas’… otherwise, you’re just wandering into the abyss. It’s also very important to surround yourself with family and friends, positive energy generally, you don’t need to be around people who are going to be telling you how you’re wasting your time dating someone who’s not with you physically, or people who will create possible scenarios of your partner conveniently cheating because they can’t be caught, or the stereotypes of LDR generally… (1) Avoid such people. (2) Trust totally… you shouldn’t be dating someone if you don’t trust them. (3) Only to emphasize how important number (2) is.

Basically, long-distance relationships stand as much chance as other relationships. I have lots of friends that dated people in the same city as them, but they never worked out, I also know people that met on social media or through a mutual friend and only saw physically once or twice and they got married, or have waxed stronger till date… but with LDR if neither of you are going to relocate at some point, then God knows what you’re doing. But if it’s just a matter of time, then that’s different – even, romantic.

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6 Surprising Facts About Introverted People


This post was inspired by a colleague or pretty much everyone around me! I get called all sorts of names by people daily. My sister thinks I’m a recluse, others say I’m anti social & a snob sometimes while some think I’m weird. 
We live in a generation where the first question people tend to ask when you meet is “what do you do for fun?” Really? You don’t want to know my full names? Or what I do for a living? Or my dreams? Or where I come from? And it gets awkward because I don’t do the usual stuff people do like partying, get togethers, road trips etc. Fun for me could be staying home on a Sunday snacking and binge-watching my favorite shows, or just being by myself to meditate while listening to my favorite music, or cooking, reading, or redecorating my room!
They are a lot of misconceptions out there about introverts, most of which are baseless ranging from shyness to being insecure around people, however 70% of insecure people by my observations are extroverts, they mask their insecurities by being loud & overly confident but when they’re alone their walls close in on them & they’re uncomfortable & restless, in essence extroverts feed off the energy from being around others while introverts get energy sucked out of them!
However being an introvert is normal regardless of what people around you may say, here are a few fun facts about introverted people 


1. They’re independent.

People who have found a balance with themselves and can be happy doing things on their own also develop a fierce independence. Sharing their space, sharing their lives, and really sharing anything they’re not prepared to is going to be a challenge. They’ve learned to rely upon themselves.


2. They’re about as confident as you get.

Those who have mastered the art of being happy alone tend to also be confident. We often surround ourselves with people because we lack the confidence to be fully exposed. They tend to be self-assured and they know they’re more than enough to have a good time.
3. They tend to be fascinating people.

Introverts turn out to be interesting because alone, they do a lot of learning, self discovery & growth. They read a lot & are very creative. They can hold a conversation for as long as it goes, with various topics. Face it, there’s something interesting about a person who has no problems about going through their life as a solo act. There’s just something so fascinating about them. They’re fun to talk to, and just because they’re independent doesn’t mean they won’t be up to chat about their philosophies.


4. They’re incredibly sharp.

It feels like you have to be smart enough to come to some serious conclusions and face your real self in order to be someone who can truly be happy alone. In the face of this sharpness, they’re not likely to be duped into doing something they don’t want to and they won’t be easily manipulated.


5. They get their happiness from within

Happiness is a critical element of confidence, & a major quality of an introverted person because in order to be confident & content in what you do when you’re alone, you have to be happy with who you are. People who brim with confidence derive their sense of pleasure and satisfaction from their own accomplishments, as opposed to what other people think of their accomplishments. They know that no matter what anyone says, you’re never as good or bad as people say you are.


6. Finally, they’re free spirited people.

They are willing to work hard to pave their own path and walk to the beat of their own drum. They hate being controlled or restricted in any way, and value physical and emotional freedom above everything else in life.

Self Love; The Most Underrated Term

 
Every now and then I see posts on social media with captions #selflove or people (mostly ladies) with posts tagging themselves as their own Woman crush, & I wonder if these people understand the true meaning of the concept self love. There’s a common misconception that living lavish lifestyles, having successful businesses or careers, driving fancy cars, shopping & frequent vacation trips are a demonstration of self love. We usually underestimate the value & importance of self love to our emotional wellbeing, we say this everyday & sometimes preach it to others like we believe it but do we really practice what we preach? 

  

Lack of genuine love for oneself can escalate into adverse effects such as low self esteem. According to a recent study, 85% of the world’s population suffer from low self esteem! That’s a whooping 5.950.000.000 people!!! Sometimes the fearless & daring suffer the most, they tend to mask their personality from the world by being judgmental, rude, critical or condescending.

  

We tend to go through life evaluating ourselves and others according to a scale of worth. The idea of self esteem is the amount of value that we consider we are worth. These values vary from person to person. While we might rate ourselves as being of little value, others might actually rate us much higher. Sometimes having a low self esteem can be a result of negative life experiences, particularly when we’re young & most vulnerable & the environment in which we’re brought up plays a major role, as the saying goes “charity begins at home” if you grew up in a home where kids where made to compete for a prize or position or were pitched against each other, this will affect you & your relationships because you may start to develop insecure thoughts about yourself, such as fear of failure, pessimism, cynicism,  anger, procrastination, unwillingness & so many other negative feelings that prevent us from reaching our full potentials. 
 

  

Psychologically, we may love ourselves but fail to psychically put those feelings into actions. Knowing our self worth, how important it is to love ourselves, how deserving we are, just aren’t enough. Doing something about it is what is enough. Taking action towards being the best we can be, bettering ourselves, doing the things we really want to without holding back, & taking care of our bodies & health, shows the dedication, self-responsibility, and love that each one of us has for ourselves. 

  

So if you really love yourself & believe that you deserve the best of everything, do something about it. Get your health back on track because health is real wealth & doing something about improving it shows the highest form of self love. Get out of the house & meet new people & just have fun. Step out of your comfort zone. Let go of the very thing which is coming in between you & loving yourself. Try new things. You don’t need his/her approval. Learn to say no without explaining yourself. Don’t push yourself too far. Remember your mistakes don’t define you. Take responsibility for your actions. Let go of what needs to go – the abusive relationship you’ve suffered for years because of fear of being alone & finding love again. What people think of you is none of your business. Forgive & forget genuinely. Accept the past, live the present & embrace the future. Don’t be afraid to cut toxic people off. Stop obsessing over your weight & learn to accept & love your body. Don’t let anyone make you feel undeserving or unlovable. Be kind. Take pride in yourself. Open your heart to finding love again no matter how many times you loved & lost. 

  

We need to stop doubting ourselves for we posses the ability to achieve anything we want & to be whoever we want to be. We are good enough for anyone, we are more than good enough. Let’s really love ourselves, for life is short and it may just pass by with a blink of an eye and before you know it, you’ve only wanted to love yourself yet never did a thing to show it. Just get up and do the things which make you feel good, alive & complete. Focus on being the best version of yourself & everything will work itself out, you might just find true love again, remember we attract who we are not who we want!

My Shea Butter Experience  

  

Where do I begin?!!

So I’ve been using Shea butter on my hair for a couple years now, I use it especially to moisturize, minimize breakage & split ends, enhance hair growth and protect my fragile edges. During the last harmattan season, I had a skin emergency! my regular body cream lacked the right quantity of oils to moisturize my sensitive skin so it literally began to crack & scale!

Out of desperation I began to use the Shea butter originally meant for my hair on my skin just because I needed something extra oily to mask the scaling while waiting it out… It was uncomfortable at first as Shea butter doesn’t particularly have the best scent! But gradually I became used to the nutty smell and it was no longer a big deal!

3weeks into my Shea butter episode, I noticed something really magical! My skin texture began to improve & it was the best I ever looked my entire life, Shea butter got me back to my original tawny brown shade! It took care of my hyper pigments, I do not have acne but there was a certain radiance about my facial skin. Luckily for me, I got the raw African Shea butter which is rich in vitamins A, C & E. Harmattan is long over & I am still using Shea butter, i turned it to my night cream to heal from sunburns & as a daily moisturizer!

The key is finding the raw Shea butter as the refined products do little or nothing for you! Watch out for adulterations & avoid using any artificial heat to melt the cream. Personally I believe using artificial heat on Shea butter kills some of its nutrients. Shea butter melts in the hands or on the skin when applied and most times a little goes along way!

 

So ladies & even the guys too can try this & tell us what you got! Shea butter has no side effects so you have nothing to worry about when you don’t get desired results, you simply switch to your regular creams! 
Goodluck!

The Truth About Your Man



  • Why are men constantly staring at beautiful women, nude or otherwise? 

Hmmm! Provocative question, here’s my honest opinion based on my observation & discussion with a few male friends…


Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women, they appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked. They are aroused by images of physically attractive females. Since the beginning of time, men were designed to spread their seed. men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. They choose monogamy because they think that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state. 


In my opinion, a man’s sexual attraction has nothing to do with her personality or their compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which they feel instantly with the release of dopamine, testosterone. This is why men can know if they want to sleep with a lady in less than five seconds of meeting her! As far as what’s physically attractive, most men agree that symmetrical faces with small noses and certain hip to waist ratios (thin waist, wider hips) are considered attractive. Naturally, there are some men who like older women or heavier women. Still some men are just fascinated with the idea of something new or different… Moving on!


Also, a man’s sexual taste & feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman. His intense feelings of chemistry for his girlfriend/wife may lessen his desire to look elsewhere for sex… Say 18 to 36 months. But once those feelings go away, his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman. They begin to attend parties, events, or even look out on social networks, anywhere just to give themselves the pleasure of seeing/meeting women!


Men can admit attraction to certain females, watch porn, fantasize about female celebrities, & still be great boyfriends/Husbands! They like to eat their cake & have it. 

So why do men cheat…

It is because they’re perpetually attracted to new women…

Because they’re high profile, rich, ambitious men who are desirable to most women who indulge them… & the men think they’re so important that the rules don’t apply to them…

Because they travel a lot & are frequently exposed to temptations & they don’t value their girlfriends/wives as much as the thrill…

Because they don’t rationally calculate the value of their losses, a breakup/divorce is the last thing on their minds their pants around their ankles… 


Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night. Whereas Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he remained faithful to her!


But It’s okay to admire other women whether in real life or on the Internet, as long as he doesn’t act on that… Which means his desire for his partner is stronger than any sexual impulse to be with someone else! And no! Men are not all the same! Some men are only attracted to their girlfriend/wife… They can overcome temptations & advances from even the most beautiful woman on earth!

So ladies… You don’t have to worry about that attractive brown skin lady at the wedding reception with the nice round ass, because she doesn’t mean any more to him than his tall, skinny colleague with the mini skirt! Other “beautiful women” are a fact of life, someone will always be prettier than you, you might as well get used to it!


What Happens After You Fall in Love?

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We all get involved in a serious relationship at some point in our lives, be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close relationship with a special someone. As soon as this relationship is in place, we must do our part to nurture it. When we fail to do so, everything begins to go wrong! You hear people say they fell out of love with their partners, they did not, they just lost the spark! No one is perfect, someone really dear to me said recently “We weren’t born on the same day so I can’t specifically know what I did wrong if you don’t tell me” Sometimes we get wrong relationship advice from the media, truth is, no two relationships are the same, what would work for this couple may not work for you and your spouse so it’s left you and your significant other to find out a way that works for you. I made a list of these things, I hope it helps.

1. Attempting to “Change” Your Partner

We don’t fall in love with someone because they’re perfect, we love them in spite of the fact that they are not. “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be. We should avoid “fixing” someone when they’re NOT broken. They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be. The less we expect from someone we care about, the happier our relationship with them will be. No one in our life will act exactly as we hope or expect them to, ever. They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

2. Hoping for Someone Else to Complete You

When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to complete us. Initially we meet someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while. Then a few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling incomplete, so we blame our partner. It feels like they’ve changed, but in reality they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own growing, inner void. Ultimately what you need to realize is that while someone can add beautiful dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment. Only you can complete yourself. Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.

3. Poor/Bad Communication.

I can not over emphasis how important this is for a successful and happy relationship. Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your partner. Why aren’t you saying something? Are you afraid they’ll get upset? Probably because you think it’s trivial? Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. And yes It may be trivial but your feelings are hurt! Either way you need to deal with it upfront, and avoid burying it until it worsens, & explodes out of you. Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship. Maybe he said to you he couldn’t see you today because he’s tired… well, that might hurt, but you don’t just get mad, it’s up to you to find out why he/she can’t see you, maybe they’re having a bad day and don’t want to drag you in the middle of it, or maybe they’re really just tired and want to be alone but so what?! If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities, mind you, that you feel insecure doesn’t make you weak. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them clearly. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out. Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running. Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you. And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too. Share what you love about your lover. Share what is going on in your mind and heart. Share your deepest thoughts, needs, hopes and fears, share everything

4. Lies.

Anything is better than lies. They are the  reason for distrust in relationships and in our world today. The more lies you tell the less people are going to take you seriously or want to associate themselves with you. If you spend your life lying to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will eventually forget the truth.There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which breeds envy, hate & deception. When you’re honest with a clean heart, you find out how easy things are, everything works itself out. Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies eventually escalate into larger issues. Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always. If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE. It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front. Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others. Don’t tell half-truths and expect your partner to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies, Remember, omitting the story is no different from lying.

5. Embracing The State of Your Relationship

Anything that’s not meant to be will never be no matter how much you try to make it work against all odds. There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to. They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed. Those 3 – 6months relationship shouldn’t make you feel less of yourself, they’re life lessons thrown at us by mother nature to shapen us for the “right one” Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important. Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life. It’s’ these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake. Do you want to live with these people in your life forever? No way – that would be way too painful! They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

Finally, Those who seem to have the perfect relationship aren’t better than you, and it’s not like they’re lucky or blessed, okay well, finding someone who loves and adores you is a blessing but, it’s not impossible to find love and make it last. It’s very simple, the key is finding how to stay in touch with your spouse.

Good luck!

XX

When He Needs Space….

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This is the most dreaded aspect of relationships (for women) Some decent men won’t out rightly say “I need space” for fear of frightening their partners, they begin to act like ghosts, other men might vocalise it, they claim nothing’s wrong, but they just don’t return your texts and seem to be a whole lot busier than they were ⁠in the early stages of dating

Before you convince yourself that he has started seeing someone else, ask yourself if you truly believe that he is capable of ⁠commitment and a long-term partnership.  Also ask yourself (your female instincts should tell you) if you feel that he truly loves you and wants a relationship with you. If you ⁠feel confident that he is an ⁠”emotionally available man” & is in love with you, then this space could be a good thing. If you feel doubtful that he has the ability to love, then it is time to say goodbye


When men pull back or carry on like they need space, it can mean that they are in fact so serious about the relationship that they need time to assess their feelings & decide whether the relationship is healthy for them long-term. Men are more in their heads than women and when the thunderbolt of love hits them, they may need to take a step back and look at things more logically

The key for you is to handle his need for space in a way that’s respectful and dignified. It’s okay to communicate your feelings ⁠(like in a text)⁠ or to ask him questions about what he’s thinking.  But don’t smother him and don’t make him feel guilty & accused. This doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings when he needs space. It’s important to honour your feelings and to not reward behaviour that hurts you by being too flexible.

Avoid Clinging To Him When He Needs Space. When he needs space and you feel really down about it, don’t punish him by withdrawing yourself or accusing him of being ⁠emotionally unavailable & beyond, and don’t start to cling. When a man pulls back, it’s natural to feel like your world is suddenly shaken up. you don’t get that attention you use to from him again, you no longer feel like his world revolves around you, this can make you panic about losing him

When we feel panicky and scared, we reach out. We start to express love and profess devotion, and we apologise for past injustices on our part.  However, he should be the one doing all these as it is wrong to detach from someone emotionally without a reason! You don’t want to give a man more attention when he needs space; do this when he’s trying to please you and is available to love you.

It’s common when a woman falls in love that her energy begins to revolve around him, like the Earth around the sun. When your man needs space, this can be a beautiful opportunity to re-direct your energy towards things that were important to you before the relationship swung in and altered everything. Focus on loving yourself during this time, too.

Be gentle with yourself and provide room to feel all of those panicky feelings. Don’t act on them, but feel them; be a witness to them happening inside you and respect them without self-judgment.
You can also make a conscious effort to learn some self-soothing skills, so that you are less inclined to call him and are better equipped to deal with rejection and uncertainty in other areas of your life

If he returns to you, take your time to make  healthy decisions. Take things slow at first.  Don’t put up emotional walls or be difficult, but be honest about how you’ve been feeling and about your fears for the future. It’s important that he understands that he can’t take space again for that long or with that much lack of connection. Explain to him that it’s something that erodes your trust

Talking to him about this when he comes back to you and is more clearly available to hear you and respect your needs will give you a chance to feel empowered and will help the relationship heal. Don’t make him test out or tell him that he has to work hard to earn your trust again.  Just have a conversation, explain your fears and worries, and honour any need you have to take things slow.

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